Walt Disney World is a magical experience for everyone. From ages three to 300, everyone is a child again when they walk through the gates of a Disney theme park. That doesn’t mean, however, that some of those folks walking in aren’t just the fucking worst. Here’s a rundown of the most abominable “villains” that frequent the parks:
1. The Ride Narrator.
You’re all set to enjoy the spooky spectres of the Haunted Mansion, when out of nowhere in the dark, you hear: “Look! Brayden! Olivia! Look! There’s a ghost! See that? That’s a ghost! Look at the ghost!” And now your haunted tour is ruined thanks to the parent(s) who either cannot let their child enjoy the ride or fundamentally believe they are too stupid to understand it. NOTE: this happens all the time between adults, too. Is everyone really that dumb they don’t get an amusement park ride?
2. The Drunk at Epcot.
You can’t drink in the Magic Kingdom, but Epcot is serving liquor from all around the world, starting with “cervezas” in Mexico and ending with “pints” in the United Kingdom. The idiot souls who try to imbibe alcohol from every country in the Epcot Pavilion end up passed out, belligerent or bawling, none of which sound like fun in your local bar, much less next to Goofy merchandise.
3. The Guy All Alone.
Look, you can’t stop an individual from going to Disney World. That’s crazy. Even if that individual is a guy who’s just hanging out, eating a churro. No, he’s not even giving off a molester vibe, and his photo doesn’t come up on a registry. He’s just there to, you know, be there. No family or friends. Just himself. And now you feel all kinds of sadness in the happiest place on Earth.
4. The Guy Who Thinks THE ROLLERCOASTER Is a Great Time to Propose.
Romantics, take a knee. If you really want to impress your special person, don’t do it at Disney World. And if you insist on doing it there, don’t do it anywhere near a rollercoaster. Because they won’t hear your kind words, they won’t realize you’re pulling out an antique ring from your great-grandmother and they absolutely won’t forgive you when the ring flies out of your fingers because it’s a rollercoaster dum-dum.
5. The Teenager Who Lies for a Disability Pass.
If you or someone you’re with have a legit disability, you can ask for an assistance pass to help cut down on wait times at the park. This is extremely necessary for a lot of people, like that six-year-old on Tiny Tim crutches. It’s definitely not for asshole teenagers, who claim they’ve got a sprained ankle and then run to Space Mountain.
6. The Moms Who Rent Black Market Guides to Cut the Lines.
For real, this is an actual news story — Manhattan ne’er-to-dos hired “black market Disney guides” also known as “people riding around in motorized wheelchairs” so they can circumvent the lines entirely. I know Despicable Me is not a Disney property, but it’s the only way to describe these soulless garbage monsters.
7. The Mother Who Changed Her Diaper in a Hotel.
Okay, for real again — I saw a mom change her baby’s diaper on the couch of a hotel lobby. Like, Disney World is literally the best place in the entire universe to change a diaper. There are diaper changing stations in every bathroom, and they’re 50 feet away. Instead, she changes the baby on a couch millions of guests will sit on, in plain view of everyone, without any regard for humanity. What a heap of goddamn garbage.
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